My Rant

Well bad news for me again….on Monday I feel down the bloody stairs as I tripped on Rachel’s shoe while carrying the washing basket. I told her to move thous shoes even worse, I saw the shoe and took a big step over them but I miss calculated and tripped over anyway.

So I hurt back and it is getting worse. Today I can barely move and is all numb down left side of my leg. It hurts walking, hurts sitting, I can’t function, and driving hurts I am broken. I have an old back injury so I think it is flared up big time. I am the main income earner for the house and I can’t work so money will be tight and I can’t even do house work I am stuck to the bloody bed. I am going to see the GP today I need some type of relief. I can’t just keep crying all day and having panadol. I feel like such an idiot.
Sorry to rant am just so disappointed in myself like life is going to be tough when I am on maternity leave let alone now because I am disabled and can’t walk at 7 weeks.

I got into the doctor this morning couldn’t see my normal GP so had to see the most poor GP in the universe. He was the same one who said horrid things to me when I had the miscarriage. I had to drive to the surgery but I couldn’t weight bear on my left leg so I couldn’t push the clutch without my hand pushing down my leg and it was so painful. I had Jake with me as well so his noises just added to the pain running through my back. I couldn’t get a park so we had to walk lucky we went early as it took ages to walk there.

Once we arrived I was already crying we had 4 people in front of us and cried the whole time as Jake threw massive tantrums and yelling at me and I couldn’t do a thing to stop him.
Once we got in I was bawling and Jake was screaming. The doctor looked at my back and said I needed an x-ray when I said I was pregnant he questioned which other GP I was seeing as he was unaware I was pregnant. Prick! Then he refused to give me any pain relief or anti inflammaties. In the end after him insulting the fact I am damaging my baby with anti depressants he gave me a script for Tramadol. He made me feel so guilty by the time I left I was crying from guilt.

I drove extra far to the chemist so I wouldn’t have to walk as far and got the meds and some extras. Came home took my meds and feel asleep for hours on end.

3 things have happened now (bad scan, car broke down, hurt back) so can I get better now enjoy my pregnancy and move on without any problems PLEASE

*

Scan 2- much better

Will break up today’s events to 3 parts- pre, during and post. I have my ultrasound booked for 0930 at Modbury so am about to get ready to drink my 500mls and get dressed to go. Thought I would write down my emotions first so when I get back can say how the ultrasound went then my feelings after.



PART 1
Yesterday I tripped over and hurt my back really badly most amount of pain since i hurt it the first time. I am Having trouble doing every thing. Aaron took the kids early this morning because he has to work and can’t come. I had asked my mother in law or sister in law to come but since my back is so bad I don’t think I can cope with anyone around me.
I am really worried about the scan. What if it is too soon from the last and still no heart beat? My symptoms of frequent urination have gone and all I have left is massive fatigue, emotional and sore nipples. There is just so many maybes wish I could just to 12weeks have my NT scan and relax a bit…

PART 2
Drank my 500ml or water and waited for the appointment. I saw a different woman this time that was much more experienced and was much more professional. Baby had nice heart beat at 120bpm and a fetal pole as well as yoke sac which is a blessing to see. Didn’t have to have an internal and my uterus is anterior which is brilliant as usually now it is hooking under my pelvis. Shows this pregnancy might not be like the others. Fingers crossed. Bub measured at 6w0d which is way off my chart and last measurements of what would be today 6w4d making my due date the 30th now. I think I will leave it as my chart as if that s possible I got a BFP on 3dpo. Now that’s even funnier.

PART 3
Got a picture of the bub too for Aaron cause he couldn’t come. Looks like a circle with a blob in it but I know he will appreciate it all the same. Not sure why the dates are so out from my charts but will wait till 12 weeks scan till I get another update that is only 5 weeks away. So glad also uterus is normal is such a relief. Just wish my back would stop hurting now and I can enjoy being UTD
12 weeks- 8th December
14 weeks- Xmas
20 weeks- 2 February

12 months Ago

It was 12 months ago Aaron asked me to marry him. It was not the normal romantic fairy tale where the prince takes the woman to a stunning meal where he wines and dines her, showers her with a dozen red roses and makes her feel like princess. Then they walk to a romantic place and under the stars he gets on one knee and open and gift box with a diamond the size of a golf ball on a gold band.

My fairy tale is a bit different. Has no nice meal, no roses or flowers of any kind and no ring. I guess if you think about it might have just been a mistake, slip of the tongue or just lack of preparation. Or maybe it was just his own weird way of romantic but individual proposal

I can’t even tell you what had happened that day. I know we had had a nice night and my memories start from sitting outside by the pool. It was warm and we had been chatting for a long time. Abut 1030pm we made our way to bed for our nightly chat ritual I was cuddled up under Aarons arm and chatting away. Once again not even sure about what. He grabbed my hand and stuttered. I knew the moment he grabbed my hand my stomach started to flutter something was wrong. I think it took him a few tries to get it out. But eventually ‘Will you marry me’ popped out.

Now Aaron and I had only been together for 5 months so was a bit shocking. Although he had mentioned it before and joked around I didn’t expect it at all. If anything I was mortified he had asked and I wasn’t prepared. I hate surprises because I can’t think straight I am too excited and worried and emotional. I didn’t say anything to his question and after a few minutes he asked if I was ok. I don’t remember if I answered all I could think of was

I couldn’t talk no words would come out. In the end Aaron stated he was happy to wait for answer so I could think. I know I rolled over and didn’t sleep a wink.

The next day I made a 2 page list of issues surrounding us getting engaged let alone married. Most importantly on the list was the fact I was not divorced yet, how the kids would react, the fact our families wouldn’t be happy, the fact we had only been together for 5 months. All seemed too much risk but for the whole day I spent wondering why their were so many NOs and only 1 yes and that was I really love him and love how we are together. I felt my life had been so complete and special since Aaron came into my life. The idea of saying no seemed stupid, the idea of saying lets wait seemed stupid why not just say yes. Was obviously so important to Aaron to ask now I would put my fears aside and embrace the fist time in my life I didn’t make a decision and I was so excited someone else did and even more so that person decided to be with me and I was worth such a huge risk. I knew I loved Aaron and had full intentions of being with him anyway we had learnt so much about each other and life. I feel like we feed each others need to grow and learn.

That night after dinner and kids were in bed we sat outside and read out my issues then when we hopped back into bed for our nightly ritual Aaron said he understood if I wanted to wait and say no but I said YES.

The rest was a blur Family were shocked and I guess not over the moon at the start. Kids were excited as expected. The next day we went and picked out a ring together, one we both liked and had meaning. I got a 2 tone ring – 2 families unite. With a square with 4 diamonds and 2 small ones on the side. Once the ring arrived Aaron got down on one knee let me photograph and it and asked me again. Was no thinking this time!

glitter-graphics.com

Research- good vs bad

I have been up since 5am thinking, what could be wrong? Is it all ok? Should I worry? Should I continue as if it is ok or not?

So I have been researching the web….

YOKE = 5 week and 4 days on Thursday that means today I am 6 weeks exactly.
SAC= 6weeks and 4 days which makes me 7 weeks today.


Is weird after that horrid U/S I can’t seem to work out how it is possible I could be so little pregnant
Check out my chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/202f60

This puts my due date as 22/6/09 which makes me 6 weeks and 6 days which matches me with the U/S sac calc perfectly.
With the results of the U/S I am due June 28 2009 which means conception happened on day 20 and I got a BFP 6DPO!!! LOL as if!!!!

Now my baby is only 4 weeks old since sperm met egg in that case 1 week is bloody long time. They couldn’t pick up a heart beat and dates really don’t add up. No matter how much I study my chart or chop and change the stats don’t add up and I think my bub is not growing.

I am trying not to think about it too much and get to see GP tomorrow for a scan ASAP. Considering the Yoke size there is no way possible that is correct with the OPKs, temps, BFP and CP/CM. In the back of my mind I think I have had a brightened ovum.

"A large empty sac on the scan is a sign of a "blighted ovum", where conception occurred and the fertilised egg implanted in your womb but the baby did not develop. You may not have any signs at all (such as pain or bleeding) that the pregnancy is not progressing normally. The pregnancy hormones in your system make you feel pregnant" www

Sounds pretty matching to my ultrasound.

Was Kates 21st birthday yesterday was my first social party since finding out things were not going to plan and I cant work out how the scan measurements were possible it hard not to drink and smoke seemed so stupid I was missing out on going out and partying cause I was pregnant when I am pretty sure I am not.

I feel so heart broken

Scan #1- Not good

I had my first antenatal appointment arvo both Aaron and I went. didn’t get to see the ob just the midwife who has said I wont be able to have midwife care cause I will be high risk so referred to ob for 2 weeks time about a million miles from home at local hospital.
Referred also to psyche team and continence team ready for any issues in next few months the same as my last pregnancies. The Midwife also ordered a scan due to blood loss and we waited ages to get in and I needed to pee so badly...
Good news is there is a sac
Bad news couldn’t see a yok.

She said could be too early but sac was more than 6 and 5 days so should be able to see a heart beat. So I requested an internal (with tears filling my eyes) and Aaron had no idea what was going on. I felt so alone and scared.

She THINKS she could see a small yok and maybe even some flitter of a possible heart beat but was NOT able to be detected on the u/s as anything beside I small take which showed 90bmp which is actually was what my pulse was.

The yok measured about 5 weeks so she said was too small for HB anyway BUT since sac was so much bigger was not a good outlook. With Jake my sac and yok was 6 weeks and 1 day and had a nice strong heart beat. So I am feeling pretty negative.
She said I need another scan in a week or so and see my GP then.

So I don’t know how to feel am confused and worried. Also pissed off at why there wasn’t more to the scan that I hoped. I kind of hoped if we couldn’t see anything by external the internal would show lots more. Since I have had 2 really early scans before with the other kids I know what to look for and too me compared to there’s was a big sac with nothing in it.

So now I guess I have to wait and see. Spotting is still there but now from the internal I am pretty sure. I feel so alone and lonely… I have so much on this pregnancy. I am angry at Aaron for not knowing what to do! How stupid is that? I don’t want to wait another week- is it fair to be angry that there was not a flickers of heart beat I wanted to see so badly? I don’t want to rant and rave but I know it would be so easy to do and even more so to blame someone, anyone would be fine…

Going to say goodnight eat some dinner and go to bed and cry. I really want this baby to grow and I hope it is just a weird thing that the sac is taking off and the yok is slow. Maybe the baby takes after his daddy and is just lazy!

Love to Mummy2kk, DH and DD

After some bad news was messaged to me by Kimberlee today stating her little bundle of Joy due in Feburary 2009 is not well and tests today have come back worrying.

We would like to send our good EB friends Kimberlee, Brad and Kaities huge amount of love, prayers and support.

JOURNEY

We will always be here for you
To walk you on your way
And if you ever stumble
We will help you up again

We will always be here for you
To walk by your side
To give you a hug
When you need a cry

We will always be here for you
To walk the path away
And if you trip over
We will take away your pain

We will always be here for you
A million miles we can walk
And if you collapse
We will carry you a million more

We will always be here for you
So far we might seem
But you say the word
And we all be on screen

Take our love,
Take our support
Not a days goes on
Your not in our thoughts

1st Trimester Side Effects

I had totally forgotten the side effects of being pregnant in the first trimester…. EB states the most common are Fatigue, nausea, breast changes and Frequent urination.

Fatigue- are you kidding I have been so tired in my life. I am exhausted all the time I sleep for so many hours and I could sleep for so many more. I slept today for a few hours and have woken feeling so tired that I am contemplating going back to bed soon now we have had dinner.

Nausea- I don’t have this one as bad more a light headedness which is accompanied by feeling off. I haven’t ever had morning sickness with any pregnancies. The only time I get the real chucky feeling is at work with some sights and smell. Especially things like snot and sputum, that makes me green. I wonder if this baby is a girl as I was much worse with Jake than Rach.

Breast change- OMG now everyone can see my left breast is 2x bigger than my right. It is like the right one hasn’t swelled and gone as sore. Bit worried about that cause I look mighty lopsided but from previous experience my left seems more effected by hormones than my right.

Micturition- surprising and also worrying I don’t have this. I was weeing so much it was stupid but now I am not. Is a worrying sign for me:

Personally my symptoms are
Taste, smell differences- I my senses are so altered smell make me sick and tastes are terrible.

Emotional and moody- Need I say more. The tears flow. I am grumpy then happy then excited then loving them I hate everything….


Bloated- my stomach sticks out and to top it off isn’t the nice by bump which is nice and firm mine is mega floppy and yuk. Make me feel so down yet I haven’t put on any weight and I am still exercising.

Cravings- I wouldn’t say craving but more NEED my NEED is Pita bread. Pita bread chips, pita bread pizza, pita bread, pita bread sandwiches, pita bread, pita bread and more pita bread!!! Weird huh??



Poor Aaron isn’t coping very well with my symptoms. I feel tragic that I am so tired and grumpy especially but I just feel so yuk. He must love me to keep being such a sweat heart especially playing with my hair till I go to sleep and not snapping back at me.
What a gem!! Not only a good dad but a great, understanding husband.

My Babies- please stick little one

http://www.betabase.info/

Had some spotting today at work and my CP is slightly more open than every other day. i am really worried now. i read on the opk/hpt thread

"I finally got my BFP a week ago and had a blood test done on Saturday to confirm. I just got results and I have HCG level of only 87, I am supposedly 5 weeks (but o'd CD 19) and according to Dr's HCG stats I should atleast be between 500-10000."

Geez at 15dpo i got my level at 29.2 now beginning to make me worry...

Have Ob appointment Thursday but scared it wont be ok.... just want my little one to stick...

What does it mean?

"Obviously it starts with a kiss.... and ends with stretch marks, sickness, fatness, leaking boob, sleepless night, smelly nappies etc etc... "

But days when the other kids are running around crazy I wonder why we would decide to start again. I guess I want to explain my reasons for why this baby is so special to me.

This baby is the link for our family. It is the glue that will legally and blood wise be the link for the 3 kids. This baby will be the one who won’t be taken away. It wont be shared or have its ‘being’ ruined.

This baby is made of love. The process of conception to birth and beyond this baby will have 2 parents who have the same interests in life and morals. Both parents will have equal roles, both Aaron and I feel the same in our wishes for all the children but know this bub holds so much difference from the others as it is OURS.

When my ex left and I still have the kids I still have to share them he still uses his stupid words and phrases and teaches them so many bad habits. Him as a role model is poor. No way do I want my son to grow up walking out on his family and babies. I don’t want him to ever put work before family or not understanding other people and I want him to be a dad, a real dad not just play mate. I know that Jake living with Aaron and me he will not learn these bad things about being a man.

Rachel was mortified when her dad left I know that she is still so hurt. I hope that by me being a better mum now I am not with my ex I am giving her the support and role model to grow up to be a strong woman as I have always wished for her. I do know as she has been with us she has so much more confidence and strength. No babying in this house.

Keeley is the worst of the all the kids. Her mother had her for the wrong reasons. When she was 12 months old her mother was not attending to her hygiene and her mental development was so delayed I wondered if she was disabled. After a lot of hart ache and money the courts ruled for her live 50/50 which is hard for her. I see the differences in her when she leaves to when she returns. At her mothers she isn’t allowed to do so much and has little interaction. I still believe she is abused in the way of neglect. No kid should have the fears that she has at 2. No kid should not get the love they deserve especially a baby.

SO with the 3 kids who live in our house as their mum I cannot give them the life I promised them when they were born. I cannot protect them like I thought I could. I thought I had much more time till I had to worry about outside influences corrupting them especially when thous outside influences were biologically their parents.

SO this bubby is so special in a different way, although equal as all children are “as annoying as the next”. This child is special as is the glue for our family and the one thing Aaron and I hold as our own and no matter what happens to us the children are all linked. And no matter what this child becomes I feel safe Aaron and I will always be on the same page to give this baby the contiunity of love and paenting...

What a gift.

I am sick

I am not well still with my cold. I ended up going to work then coming home at 11am just felt too ill my cough makes me head hurt and makes me want to vomit and i have been hit with the sorest breasts in history... (Besides other pregnancies)

Am desperately reading my books Hynobirthing and Birthing From Within to try and grasp my feelings. I got the contact details for a doula today I have emailed her to see if she is interested. Hopefully will hear back soon. Would be brilliant if I could get a doula to labor with me and keep me focused someone to monitor my mental health as well and how I am feeling I really want the person to offer Aaron the support as well since I birth so loudly and I look tragic.

Overall I am sooo tired and sore and my head huts and my boobs hurt and I feel like crying!




I must be pregnant

6 Weeks

6 week down till 12 weeks and I feel much better about the pregnancy. I have had some very teary days lately seems to get to night and I am so tired I cry ab0ut anything and everything.

Last night I was going to post:
I am so teary today. I feel so self conscious about my body already my stomach is so squishy and discussing. Even though I has lot the 4 kg in the past few weeks in the past 2 weeks the pain of seeing my stomach stick out is pretty horrific for me. Brings back so many memories of being so over weight with Jake and how much I felt so unattractive and a bad wife.

But I feel asleep before I could post.

We went and too target today to look at bub stuff. I have chosen a basinet which I will buy at 12 weeks. I like the white one is so cute and something we will use.
Aaron identified he never got to choose and look at baby stuff with his daughter was all done for him. So we had a look at prams today too and car seats. Not much we saw we liked but was good to do together. I have decided to get the Medela breast pump I might as well go with one I trust. So I think once 12 weeks hit we will start to work out a budget for buying stuff as we don’t have as much I thought we did.

So besides my cold and feeling so tired all the time the morning sickness is not tragic and is more light headedness. Got my first Ob appointment on Thursday where Aaron and I will evaluate our options some more. I am hoping for a psych review straight away to review my meds and mental mind a dating scan in a few weeks either just to see a little the little head beat would make me feel so clucky too. I hope our baby is ok….

Lorri38

Sad news today my EB friend Lorri found out the SA results were poor. They have decided to take a break. Lorri has supported me daily for a long time and her and her partner have given Aaron and I many nights of laughs and fun and countless hours of POAS..

We wish you all the best

LORRI and ADS



Am always here for you

Kris and Aaron

Jakes 3rd Birthday

Well today is the day before Jake turns 3 and since he is at child care tomorrow and he is spending the weekend with his Dad were doing the birthday fun tonight.

Have Been reading lots on EB that lots of my friends have miscarried in the last week. Seems no one can get past that 12 week park. Has really made me panic. I have not had another blood test since my initial one and I never had follow up ones again with the other kids so I don’t know if it is normal. Question is I guess what will it achieve? Technically nothing. Will mean if my levels don’t double I need a D&C and I would prefer not to have that anyway. SO I guess I need to just wait it out.

I have an antenatal appointment next Thursday and Aaron is going to come. Will be the first to discuss our options. Overall I am not at all impressed with the hospital system at the moment. With my history of PND and GMI (gestational mental illness) the system means I don’t have continuity which is what I really need to help keep my healthy. I guess we will discuss this with the Dr next week. I am seriously reading and looking into a home birth.

Kimberlee (EB friend and pregs) has sent me a book and DVD and also some names of doulas. Might get one of them… who knows got ages to think about it but I am person who needs control and if I cant control over my pregnancy I want to control how I feel and the services and people I have around me to support me through it.

AM off to go lie down before having to get Rachel from school and start the birthday celebrations

Glitterfy.com - Glitter Graphics

“To my Jake, You’re the child who was sent to me to save me. Now your 3 and your soul is still my guardian angle whom now I am lucky enough to mother and protect and guide through life. I am so proud of you and what you have become in the 3 years. I cant wait for the next hundred birthdays to share with you.
Happy Birthday my son, my truckie boy, my bobba bub.
Love Mummy”

****History About Us*****

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/202f60 - My chart

Was 2nd June 2007 when Aaron and I met I had had a bad night with an ex and he came over with a good friend to keep my company after a few days of staying over we connected and he never left.

I have 2 kids from a previous marriage DD- Rachel is 5yo and DS- Jacob (Jok) is 3 year old. I had a messy break up with my ex running off with his girl friend so I guess I am commitment issues in that when I am scared I RUN!

Aaron has DD- Keeley who is 2yo from a previous relationship. Aaron and I met when Keeley was 2 months old. He doesn’t speak much about his past relationship b I figure if he is happy to be with me must have been pretty bad.
Rachel and Jacob live with us most of the time and only see their father 1 weekend a month. Keeley lives with us 4 days a week due to us fighting for more care from her mother neglecting her. We have a dog Molly – Newfoundland. She is my parents and we look after her while they are living over seas she is old though and mainly just sleeps. We have 2 cats- Josie which is Rachel’s baby and Leroy which is the energy of the house. We have a budgie Xenaphon who is Aarons and he has trained to be fairly tame and social.

On November 4th 2007 Aaron asked me to marry him while we were sitting chatting in bed. After 24 hours of me thinking and ignoring him I said ‘yes’ on the 9th August 2008 we were married at a hall in Klemzig amongst close family and friends. Was a stunning wedding…

In August 2007 I got a positive pregnancy test and then a few days later was in Emergency at Modbury with the ruptured cyst on my left ovary. I was shocked at the thought of being pregnant but mortified when it was a ruptured cyst that cause me to bleed out. Aaron and I discusses the fact every though we had only just been together we would like a baby together. I had no doubt in my mind that even though Aaron was nothing like I thought I would ‘go for’ I could see myself in a happy, healthy, care free relationship with him forever.

After no contraceptive for many more month and finding my savior EB and Fertility Friend. I started to learn that ttc was not as easy as first expected. I was told I was infertile when I was 19 so Rachel was a miracle and Jake took 5 months but with no research. I was shocked it wouldn’t happen!!

Wasn’t till April I got my next BFP (big fat positive). Ended up having BFP for 7 days till my periods started. Doctor called it a chemical pregnancy when the conception occurs but doesn’t implant properly. I was devastated…

Then in August 12 months of ttc I put my attention into loosing weight and joined weight watchers. My temping became erratic and if Aaron had not have said he wanted it I wouldn’t have bought my OPKS. Funny enough 14 cycles of trying on 11th September 2008 the day before I was suppose to get my periods I got a faint line on pregnosis HPT. I didn’t belive it and tested in 2 days with First response and 2 lines came up immediately. I called Aaron at work and said “you ready to be a daddy again?” his response was funny. He stuttered and asked if there were lines. He sounded shocked. Was perfect I can just imagine he would have gone bright read and smiling he wouldn’t have been able to get the words out. I tested again and again and again and still lines appeared. On the 14th September 2008 after 2 days of being late and a million dollars worth of pregnancy tests with 2 lines I got my blood test which came back as PREGNANT…

That afternoon Aaron brought me home some flowers and we decided was time to throw in the smokes… and red wine.

So that’s our history at present were 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and praying for a sticky one…..

So this is our journey now!!!!

ENJOY