My Rant

Well bad news for me again….on Monday I feel down the bloody stairs as I tripped on Rachel’s shoe while carrying the washing basket. I told her to move thous shoes even worse, I saw the shoe and took a big step over them but I miss calculated and tripped over anyway.

So I hurt back and it is getting worse. Today I can barely move and is all numb down left side of my leg. It hurts walking, hurts sitting, I can’t function, and driving hurts I am broken. I have an old back injury so I think it is flared up big time. I am the main income earner for the house and I can’t work so money will be tight and I can’t even do house work I am stuck to the bloody bed. I am going to see the GP today I need some type of relief. I can’t just keep crying all day and having panadol. I feel like such an idiot.
Sorry to rant am just so disappointed in myself like life is going to be tough when I am on maternity leave let alone now because I am disabled and can’t walk at 7 weeks.

I got into the doctor this morning couldn’t see my normal GP so had to see the most poor GP in the universe. He was the same one who said horrid things to me when I had the miscarriage. I had to drive to the surgery but I couldn’t weight bear on my left leg so I couldn’t push the clutch without my hand pushing down my leg and it was so painful. I had Jake with me as well so his noises just added to the pain running through my back. I couldn’t get a park so we had to walk lucky we went early as it took ages to walk there.

Once we arrived I was already crying we had 4 people in front of us and cried the whole time as Jake threw massive tantrums and yelling at me and I couldn’t do a thing to stop him.
Once we got in I was bawling and Jake was screaming. The doctor looked at my back and said I needed an x-ray when I said I was pregnant he questioned which other GP I was seeing as he was unaware I was pregnant. Prick! Then he refused to give me any pain relief or anti inflammaties. In the end after him insulting the fact I am damaging my baby with anti depressants he gave me a script for Tramadol. He made me feel so guilty by the time I left I was crying from guilt.

I drove extra far to the chemist so I wouldn’t have to walk as far and got the meds and some extras. Came home took my meds and feel asleep for hours on end.

3 things have happened now (bad scan, car broke down, hurt back) so can I get better now enjoy my pregnancy and move on without any problems PLEASE

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Scan 2- much better

Will break up today’s events to 3 parts- pre, during and post. I have my ultrasound booked for 0930 at Modbury so am about to get ready to drink my 500mls and get dressed to go. Thought I would write down my emotions first so when I get back can say how the ultrasound went then my feelings after.



PART 1
Yesterday I tripped over and hurt my back really badly most amount of pain since i hurt it the first time. I am Having trouble doing every thing. Aaron took the kids early this morning because he has to work and can’t come. I had asked my mother in law or sister in law to come but since my back is so bad I don’t think I can cope with anyone around me.
I am really worried about the scan. What if it is too soon from the last and still no heart beat? My symptoms of frequent urination have gone and all I have left is massive fatigue, emotional and sore nipples. There is just so many maybes wish I could just to 12weeks have my NT scan and relax a bit…

PART 2
Drank my 500ml or water and waited for the appointment. I saw a different woman this time that was much more experienced and was much more professional. Baby had nice heart beat at 120bpm and a fetal pole as well as yoke sac which is a blessing to see. Didn’t have to have an internal and my uterus is anterior which is brilliant as usually now it is hooking under my pelvis. Shows this pregnancy might not be like the others. Fingers crossed. Bub measured at 6w0d which is way off my chart and last measurements of what would be today 6w4d making my due date the 30th now. I think I will leave it as my chart as if that s possible I got a BFP on 3dpo. Now that’s even funnier.

PART 3
Got a picture of the bub too for Aaron cause he couldn’t come. Looks like a circle with a blob in it but I know he will appreciate it all the same. Not sure why the dates are so out from my charts but will wait till 12 weeks scan till I get another update that is only 5 weeks away. So glad also uterus is normal is such a relief. Just wish my back would stop hurting now and I can enjoy being UTD
12 weeks- 8th December
14 weeks- Xmas
20 weeks- 2 February

12 months Ago

It was 12 months ago Aaron asked me to marry him. It was not the normal romantic fairy tale where the prince takes the woman to a stunning meal where he wines and dines her, showers her with a dozen red roses and makes her feel like princess. Then they walk to a romantic place and under the stars he gets on one knee and open and gift box with a diamond the size of a golf ball on a gold band.

My fairy tale is a bit different. Has no nice meal, no roses or flowers of any kind and no ring. I guess if you think about it might have just been a mistake, slip of the tongue or just lack of preparation. Or maybe it was just his own weird way of romantic but individual proposal

I can’t even tell you what had happened that day. I know we had had a nice night and my memories start from sitting outside by the pool. It was warm and we had been chatting for a long time. Abut 1030pm we made our way to bed for our nightly chat ritual I was cuddled up under Aarons arm and chatting away. Once again not even sure about what. He grabbed my hand and stuttered. I knew the moment he grabbed my hand my stomach started to flutter something was wrong. I think it took him a few tries to get it out. But eventually ‘Will you marry me’ popped out.

Now Aaron and I had only been together for 5 months so was a bit shocking. Although he had mentioned it before and joked around I didn’t expect it at all. If anything I was mortified he had asked and I wasn’t prepared. I hate surprises because I can’t think straight I am too excited and worried and emotional. I didn’t say anything to his question and after a few minutes he asked if I was ok. I don’t remember if I answered all I could think of was

I couldn’t talk no words would come out. In the end Aaron stated he was happy to wait for answer so I could think. I know I rolled over and didn’t sleep a wink.

The next day I made a 2 page list of issues surrounding us getting engaged let alone married. Most importantly on the list was the fact I was not divorced yet, how the kids would react, the fact our families wouldn’t be happy, the fact we had only been together for 5 months. All seemed too much risk but for the whole day I spent wondering why their were so many NOs and only 1 yes and that was I really love him and love how we are together. I felt my life had been so complete and special since Aaron came into my life. The idea of saying no seemed stupid, the idea of saying lets wait seemed stupid why not just say yes. Was obviously so important to Aaron to ask now I would put my fears aside and embrace the fist time in my life I didn’t make a decision and I was so excited someone else did and even more so that person decided to be with me and I was worth such a huge risk. I knew I loved Aaron and had full intentions of being with him anyway we had learnt so much about each other and life. I feel like we feed each others need to grow and learn.

That night after dinner and kids were in bed we sat outside and read out my issues then when we hopped back into bed for our nightly ritual Aaron said he understood if I wanted to wait and say no but I said YES.

The rest was a blur Family were shocked and I guess not over the moon at the start. Kids were excited as expected. The next day we went and picked out a ring together, one we both liked and had meaning. I got a 2 tone ring – 2 families unite. With a square with 4 diamonds and 2 small ones on the side. Once the ring arrived Aaron got down on one knee let me photograph and it and asked me again. Was no thinking this time!

glitter-graphics.com

Research- good vs bad

I have been up since 5am thinking, what could be wrong? Is it all ok? Should I worry? Should I continue as if it is ok or not?

So I have been researching the web….

YOKE = 5 week and 4 days on Thursday that means today I am 6 weeks exactly.
SAC= 6weeks and 4 days which makes me 7 weeks today.


Is weird after that horrid U/S I can’t seem to work out how it is possible I could be so little pregnant
Check out my chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/202f60

This puts my due date as 22/6/09 which makes me 6 weeks and 6 days which matches me with the U/S sac calc perfectly.
With the results of the U/S I am due June 28 2009 which means conception happened on day 20 and I got a BFP 6DPO!!! LOL as if!!!!

Now my baby is only 4 weeks old since sperm met egg in that case 1 week is bloody long time. They couldn’t pick up a heart beat and dates really don’t add up. No matter how much I study my chart or chop and change the stats don’t add up and I think my bub is not growing.

I am trying not to think about it too much and get to see GP tomorrow for a scan ASAP. Considering the Yoke size there is no way possible that is correct with the OPKs, temps, BFP and CP/CM. In the back of my mind I think I have had a brightened ovum.

"A large empty sac on the scan is a sign of a "blighted ovum", where conception occurred and the fertilised egg implanted in your womb but the baby did not develop. You may not have any signs at all (such as pain or bleeding) that the pregnancy is not progressing normally. The pregnancy hormones in your system make you feel pregnant" www

Sounds pretty matching to my ultrasound.

Was Kates 21st birthday yesterday was my first social party since finding out things were not going to plan and I cant work out how the scan measurements were possible it hard not to drink and smoke seemed so stupid I was missing out on going out and partying cause I was pregnant when I am pretty sure I am not.

I feel so heart broken